Trailmaster

I just cleaned the camper for the last time. I used to think of this as mine. My idea. My family haven. The place we would build closeness and outdoor memories with our babies.

We did.

There were those days. The smell in here reminds me of small children building forts across the tiny bunks or shooting arrows and BB’s in the woods.

Freezing nights and cramped showers. Brushing out my babies’ wet hair and tucking them under forty blankets to keep warm. The warmth of my husband in our low and cozy bed.

Or those hot trips when the air conditioner leaked and two buckets couldn’t catch the drips. The way the steps got burning hot so you had to wear shoes.

Turf grass and lawn chairs. Bacon and fried chicken. Oreos. Bugs and crickets at night while he and I sat in the dim light, watched the stars, and had so much to say.

I wanted one last trip. But it never came. The last two I remember are tainted if I think too hard. Tainted by the one who got all the pictures–the pictures without me in them.

It was supposed to be my family place. It became where he went when he broke my family apart.

I smell that too.

I smell the plug-ins bought to cover the cramped-living smell. The cleaning supplies that I didn’t buy in scents I don’t use. The smell of a life I wasn’t in. Days he sat alone. Ate alone. And from the trash I found, drank a lot alone.

God was here though. At first, showing us His creation as we took the kids to places never seen. Then He was here, locking my husband in and speaking loud in this lonely place.

It was a haven. But not the one I expected. It brought us close but not in the way I thought it would.

I just cleaned the camper for the last time today.

For sale. 24-foot Bumper Pull. 4 bunks and a dinette/bed. Kitchen. Bathroom. AC/heat. Love and pain. Blessings bittersweet.

Peace

Praying

Speak, Lord.

The end of something…

It’s harder than I thought.

It isn’t like a light at the end of a tunnel.

It’s like watching the train drive away.

“May the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.” 2 Thessalonians 3:16

Forgive

I do not believe that the ability to forgive is natural to a human. The flesh seeks justice and vengeance. But to forgive is to be Christ-like.

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13 NIV

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32 NIV

It’s a choice and a process. Often we want instant forgiveness from others. But only Jesus forgives in an instant. We, as humans must PRACTICE it, choose the forgiving attitude daily. We have to begin thinking of our offender as they ARE, not as they WERE.

How can a man change if he is constantly treated like a sinner or labeled by his sin?

Forgiveness means
Seeing some as
Thinking of someone as
Treating someone like
The person they ARE…not the one they WERE.

It is only the Holy Spirit that enables us to do that.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 1 Corinthians 13:4 – 6 NIV

Recall that 1 John 4:8 tells us that God IS Love. These attributes are HIM.

Offering forgiveness will heal your own soul:

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14-15 NIV

Forgiveness is an act of mercy:

While they were stoning him, Stephen prayed, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.” Then he fell on his knees and cried out, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” When he had said this, he fell asleep. Acts 7:59-60 NIV

When they came to a place called the Skull, there they crucified him, along with the criminals – one on his right, the other on his left, Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” Luke 23:33-34 NIV

Make the choice daily to “forget the former things, do not dwell on the past” because He is always doing something new and beautiful in us all (Isaiah 43:18). Choose to see that in those around you.

Forgiveness means
Seeing some as
Thinking of someone as
Treating someone like
The person they ARE…not the one they WERE.

Fear

 

 

 

 

 

 

Genesis 32:11-12   “Save me, I pray, from the hand of my brother Esau, for I am afraid he will come and attack me, and also the mothers with their children. But you have said, ‘I will surely make you prosper and will make your descendants like the sand of the sea, which cannot be counted.’”

Jacob was afraid.  Hear what he said, “I am afraid….BUT YOU have said…” {emphasis mine}.

Don’t we all live in that ether between FEAR and TRUST?  I am afraid, but I trust God has a plan {please, God, some sort of plan!}.

When he was afraid, Jacob relied on the PROMISES of God.

He promised Jacob he would LIVE.  He promised him a future and children and old age.

He has not promised that to me.

He did not promise I would live a long life.
He did not promise my children would be Christians.
He did not promise I’d get my bills paid.
He did not promise me deep friendships.
He did not promise me an old-age-rocking-chair marriage.
He did not promise me luxury.
He did not promise me health.
He did not promise me that the people I know would love me.
 

He promised me death
He promised me pain.
He promised me troubles and trials.
He promised me persecution.
He promised me days full of labor.
He promised me injustice.
He promised that even my family would turn against me.
He promised that I would suffer as He did: misunderstood, lied to and lied about, challenged, betrayed, scorned, mocked, beaten, killed.

And…
 

He promised me PEACE.
He promised me CONTENTMENT.
He promised me FAITH.
He promised me HIS PRESENCE.
He promised me FORGIVENESS.
He promised me ETERNAL LIFE.
 

I live in the ether between FEAR and FAITH.

“I believe; help my unbelief.” Mark 9:24

For my children (3)

Jesus,

Even when they sin–no matter how egregiously—I pray they return to you. Please help them to stay in step with you. And let me be an example. Hold our hands as we press on.

Amen.

For my Children (2)

Jesus,

Help me teach them to call on You, love You, and show them how to cling.

Amen.

For my children

Lord,

As you look over the earth, find my children. I pray they are fully committed to You. I pray that their hearts will find joy, rest, meaning only in You.

Bless my children, my family, my husband, me, more than I can imagine. And make us a blessing to You.

Jesus, show us how to FULLY commit.

Amen

Shhhh….

I started this blog because I wanted to practice writing. I thought maybe I’d say something that someone needed to hear.

And I wanted to be heard.

I no longer want to share my manifesto. I no longer want to write down the lessons God teaches. There are too many. I draft beautiful posts in my head, but never write them. Even in my prayer journal, I just say “Thank you for revealing that to me me today.”

He speaks. He changes me. He hears me.

And I don’t want to be heard here anymore.

I want to live small and quiet. I have learned that there is not one thing beyond myself that I can control. And to control my thoughts is to quiet my words.

Sometimes my posts were edited because I knew who would read them.

Or the subject was preachy, didactic.

Control. Trying to control with my words. Using scripture to say what I wanted. I never twisted it, just chose it too well.

But God has been teaching me about control. I don’t have it.

And I cannot get it.

So, I’ll just be quiet.