LOUD: Five Minute Friday

My heart beats loud.

Preacher asked, “What lies has Satan told that you believed?”

O, Jesus, help me.  It must have been many.  Looking from the outside, my life is grand.  But inside, I am miserable.  I am brooding, angry, sick, and sad.  The buzzing in my ears is too loud, making it hard to focus on the moment.

Why do I feel this way?  The thoughts that tell me “This is temporary,” is that the lie I believed?  Is THIS really how it IS?  Do I just need to accept it?

Or when I hear the voice say, “This isn’t your fault,” is that a lie?  Is the truth that I brought this on myself…maybe its all my fault?

Is the lie, “You deserve better?”  Maybe I don’t.  Maybe THIS is what I deserve…maybe this is as good as it will ever get.  Maybe I already have more than I deserve.

Or maybe THOSE are lies.

Jesus, speak to me.  I want to hear you louder than these questions I let trample my joy.  My life is blessed.  I have a beautiful, healthy family.  I have a job that pays the bills.  I have a home and vehicle and food on the table.

But in my heart, I do not feel blessed.  I wake up sick most mornings, my stomach aches with dread of the day.  Why?  When I reflect, I think surely, God has something BIG and GOOD for me soon.  Is now not BIG?  No, its feels like someone else’s dream.  This job was never my dream.  There is a difference in my mind of big and BIG.  These responsibilities God has given me are monumental sometimes, but they do not reach my heart—they do not stir my passions.  I go through the motions at work, when I want to LOVE something.

And isn’t now GOOD?  Yes…now is good.  God is with me.  But there are things I wish I could do.  Again, there is good.  And there is GOOD.  God has put a desire and passion in my heart but placed my days smack in the center of something entirely different—someone else’s desires—did he confuse me with someone else?  Sure, God, these blessings are great, but I think you’ve dialed the wrong number.

O Jesus, help me accept now and wait for the GOOD BIG stuff that comes later without wishing away theses blessings you’ve given me today.  Lord, quiet the noise in my head.  My rampant thoughts are like traffic sounds that grate on my nerves.

Give me peace and a song.  Quiet me with your lullaby.  My pain is too loud.

Linking to Gypsy Mama’s Five Minute Friday

REAL: Five-Minute Friday

REAL is messy. REAL is rude. Sometimes I have to change what is REAL to what is RIGHT.

I am REAL when I gripe, but RIGHT when I find peace. I am REAL when I cry, but RIGHT when I accept. I am REAL when I get angry and shake a finger in their faces, but RIGHT when instead I forgive and lead.

I want my REAL to be less messy. I want the deep down inside me to be less gruesome, less of the flesh and more of the Spirit. Change me from the inside out, Lord. Take the raw mess of my broken REAL, cleanse it and make my soul RIGHT.

{I am linking to Gypsy Mama’s Five-Minute Friday today. Five minutes on a topic, no editing, just write.}